Tonight
by Friends Babe
Summary: A Tina fic. Her thoughts as she tries to tell Sean about her rape.


_This was written last year, and it deals, very lightly with Tina's rape. There is no graphic details, and the rape itself is not in here. It's mainly Tina attempting to tell Sean about it. I started off with a clear cut plan in my head and this turned out to be nothing like that, but please, let me know what you think. _

Tonight

I never dreamt I would be in this situation. About to tell the person I love about the most horrific experience of my life. I never dreamt I would have a horrific experience that would need explaining to someone, but well…sometimes these things just happen. I still can't believe how shy I am around him. How I sometimes flinch at his touch, all because of that one night. One night to change your life. Just one night. One night and my entire world came tumbling down. One night and the person I was died. The happy, relaxed, chatty person vanished forever. She's paying me visits now, but there's no way she'll ever move back permanently. Too much has been taken away for her to ever fit again. In one night the place I felt safe, my haven, became dangerous. Became a place where evil could be lurking around every corner. Because you don't know them really. When they walk through that door there just an illness or an injury to you. You're lucky if you even remember their name when you get home that night. They're 'broken leg in 4' or 'end stage leukaemia in 10' That's all you ever know about them. There are the occasional ones who'll volunteer information. Pictures of their kids. But you never really know them. You never really know what they can be capable of, what they can take away from you in just one night. But one night is all it takes. To lose yourself. To end up here, now, having this conversation.

Like I said, I never thought I'd have to do this. Before the night and the morning after. Who ever imagines this? Telling your boyfriend about the time you were raped in his workplace? No one. It's too difficult to think about, it's tempting fate, it might happen to you one day. Then it happens and the thought of even being in the same room as another man scares you. You knew so little about HIM. You know so little about THEM, see the connection forming? Anyone out there could be the same, could do the same. You don't know them, you can't say for sure that they're safe, kind, a nice person. To me all they were was a threat, a potential rapist. Another man. And men hurt you. They hurt you in ways you can never imagine. They take control of the most private parts of you and change you. They make sure you can never be the same again. That no matter what you do or where you go they will always be with you. There's no escape. They're a part of you forever. The person you most hate, the one you just wish would leave you alone, leave your thoughts, your dreams, your life. They're the ones who always remain. The effort of trying not to relieve that moment imprints it in your mind. And there's nothing you can do about it. You see everyone as a threat. No where is safe. No man is safe. No one deserves your trust because you trusted him, and he abused that trust, he took all your trust with him when he left. But eventually you learn. Not everyone is like that. There are some people out there you can trust. Some people who you can tell.

I closed my eyes as I finished talking. I wasn't even sure what I'd said exactly, if it made sense or was just me rambling. I just hoped he understood now, understood why it took me so long to allow him close. Why I prefer a quiet night in with him, rather than going to the pub where I don't know who's there. Why I always use the toilets on the second floor now. Why Duffy was so protective of me. Why I always defend Eve. Why I am like I am. Why I'm not like Chloe, why I don't feel so outgoing towards people I don't know. Why I have to know them first. Why I need to know them first. How much it took me to tell him this. The weeks and weeks of building up, the rehearsed conversations. The in-depth conversations with Sam, the torture over what he'd say, what he'd do. How he'd react. It's a lot to take on. It's a hell of a lot for me to deal with and I deal with it everyday. Every man that walks through that door could be another him. I never know. I'll never forget that night, I never will. I just try to live with it. And, if he chooses to continue this relationship beyond tonight, so will he. I opened my eyes then. Wondering what I'd see reflected in his eyes. Love, affection, anger, confusion. Or nothing. A blank stare masking his need to dash away and never mention this again. I'll leave it up to him. If he wants to leave he can. I'll just bury the hurt deep within again. In the same box I try to keep HIM in now. Locked away where HE can never hurt me. I look at him and he looks back. As our eyes meet I feel the tears and for the first time in months I cry, I cry and I cry. I lean towards him and feel his strong arms engulf me. Softly stroking my hair as I sob. I knew then how he felt. I knew that I'd done the right thing in telling him, by explaining myself. I gave him another part of me tonight. A part of me that will be with him forever. No matter if we last that long or not. Tonight I love him, and he loves me. Tonight we are bonded together and tonight HE cannot hurt me. Tonight I am protected from everything.

Tonight I fell in love.

Tonight I realised that all of life's events happen like that. Short moments that we don't see coming until they are over. I lost myself in one night, to a person I didn't know. In an event I thought I would never be able to recount. Tonight I got a part of me back, and gave it to the one person who made me feel special again.


End file.
